Lost and found: Confessions of a sweeping soul
I cannot help but ponder about these thoughts that usually find their entry into my cognitive space as the year begins to gradually bid farewell to its beloved folks. Reminiscence is often a key thing for an individual just like an annual report of an organization.
2008 started out with a bang as January 1st had a breaking dawn on the sandy beaches of Goa. The sight of the glistening sand by the rays of the sun for some reason gave me a ray of hope that ’08 would indeed turn out to be a new year in more than one way. It signified hope, change and enthralling discoveries that would make me gape in wonderment. Nevertheless it did but not without the usual bumpy roller coaster ride that one undergoes, this year being one with several twists and turns.
Joining Xavier’s institute of counseling for the first three months was probably God’s gift to me during the era of spring. Especially when just a couple of months back, I was left with a lot of bitterness for reasons best known to me. I was waiting desperately for a revamp in my attitude and outlook which would enable further growth in my personality which otherwise would have scarily remained a Bonsai.
Those three months embarked an unforgettable journey where my emotional baggage weighed heavily on my shoulders. To my surprise I found other 15 of them sailing on the same boat as we came together for a mission-that to reach our destination no matter how far it was. Under the guidance of our Philosopher , guide and Father, we emerged as enriching souls who had cleansed ourselves with unwarranted dust as we geared up to face the world in a different manner. Not to mention the bond (touchwood) we had developed and the new found friendship that had formed during our tryst with personal counseling.
Change had arrived and to such an extent that I hardly recognized the person I was even a year ago. Well one aspect had to do with the fact that I joined the gym and saw a fitter and more toned me. It certainly got me addicted to workouts to an extent that missing a day would make me feel incomplete unless of course if I was out holidaying. And yes, it’s made me give up sweets to a large extent which wasn’t easy considering that I had a sweet tooth.
There was a lot more confidence, crystal clear thoughts that made my mind feel like the blue sky of April without a speck of cloud. Surety in what I wanted to do and held pride in my career path that I had chosen even if it meant digressing from the clichéd ones that people were normally used to hearing at least in a certain place. A no nonsense approach was adopted even fiercely this time, standing up for what I firmly believed in which necessarily may not be in agreement with the rest. The soul searching exercise certainly had helped to a great extent as I began to traverse into a different plane altogether.
My tryst with several hard hitting realities strengthened my inner self. The insecure, uncertain me had blossomed into someone who knew her way around and could handle just about anything. To an extent that advices from others irrespective of who they were met with a staunch opposition. Tolerance levels have come down drastically especially with those who try and act like they know it all, when they actually don’t know anything. The repeated questions and annoying speeches from elders led me to avoid them like plague much to the surprise of a few others. My ability to retort has considerable gone high not that there’s anything to be proud of. Impatience has what has eventually sunk in with certain aspects at least and all these traits have gone as far as to achieve the status of being arrogant and snooty. Is this the price one has to pay for being a confident young person? Sure everything does come at a cost doesn’t it?
Apart from which a lot of realization has dawned in as well. With respect to who/what matters to me, my priorities, the need for more personal space and time and also giving others the same. The need to explore further and new things has grown to a large extent.
One says that when change occurs, it’s important not to lose touch with what you have been.
Exactly what happened to me last few months? I found myself in even a tighter embrace with the maximum city such that this began to feel like a part of me already in just a span of two years. It was time to shed the past and look forward to a new life. Especially with the city beckoning me with open arms-a gesture which I fully couldn’t accept when I first landed here. It almost feels like the ghosts of the past have been a part of my last life at times.
Well some things haven’t changed is that I haven’t lost my fun loving self which I probably never would even if age continues to surmount me in large numbers. Somber experiences have not managed to kill my zest for life and the fact that “I’m too old for all this”- the usual hypocritical statements one always hears all the time. I guess I never would have to worry about the aging factor in me as no matter what maturity I attain, my soul will manage to remain revitalized always depicting the youth and liveliness.
As I am finishing my tallying between the good and the bad change, I am hoping that 2009 brings me yet another new beginning, experiences and not necessarily mean that I need to stand on sandy shores to realize this. In the meantime I am still celebrating my find and yet thinking back slightly to the lost innocent, not so street smart and slightly more compassionate/tolerant me who was still there in Mumbai when I arrived for the first time. I guess its time to really say goodbye to her and live with the new me. Happy? Hmm yes but still contemplating……..about the irony of lost and found!!