To give up something...

It has almost been a month since the lockdown in California. While its tiresome not to venture outdoors and lead that 'normal' life, this lockdown has enabled me to try out something new.  I had no choice but to see how I could make the best out of this new 'normal'. 

 Fitness being a priority, I found a way to resort to some indoor workouts. It included biking on my trainer. Fortunately I had invested in a Wahoo kicker trainer back in 2017 when I had just gotten into the sport called triathlon. My coach Viv from Mad Menon Academy suggested that it would come in handy especially if I couldn't take my bike out for a ride. The trainer is a device to which you can attach your bike and simulate a road ride experience. Of course its a lot harder and requires immense  amount of motivation to keep going. 

Besides, indoor biking, I have resorted to aerobics, cross-fit thanks to the Orange Theory online sessions, running indoors after shifting the furniture to one corner and some dance workouts.   I have  also started some online Yoga classes through zoom. The Yoga instructor is known to me as she is a part of Mumbai road runners.  The yoga sessions involve some tough poses but nevertheless I have always enjoyed challenges. Besides it was something different from my usual regime of  swim, bike and run that I usually do throughout the year. Considering how restless I am as a person, yoga was probably good for my mind as well. 

During one of the sessions which involved some grueling poses, the instructor motivated us to not give up and keep trying. After the class, she asked us one pertinent question-if we were to give up one negative thing what would that be?

That set me thinking for rest of the evening. What would I give up? I had healthy habits as far as I was concerned. Due to my chronic condition, I have given up sweets, ice creams and oily food. I only have a glass of wine occasionally. I don't smoke either.  I have given up some toxic friendships from school. After almost an hour of thinking, I finally realized what I could give up. 

During some crucial moments in a race or when I have to speak up in class, I am sometimes swarmed with unnecessary negative thoughts and an annoying inner voice. A voice that reminds me of some of my incapabilities during my childhood with regards to sports. A voice that tells me that I am not good enough based on some pesky relative's remarks when I was a little girl. A voice that tells me that I don't know what I am talking about based on another relative's caustic remark. All because I showed more inclination towards literature and creativity. More than Science and Math or even management. Due to societal pressure, I was steered towards the latter and in the process missed building on my literary skills during my formative years. Thankfully I am on the right path now and didn't spend the rest of my life trying to fit into conventional norms.

I often tell myself that such remarks made during childhood should be brushed aside and buried deep. After all I am a respected journalist, writer, soon to be author, runner and a triathlete today. Besides I have a doting family in the form of my life partner and daughter.  It may be interesting to note how certain instances occurred during childhood remains etched in your mind today. Someone recently told me that my childhood was 30 years ago. While time is a healer, it tends to leave certain scars behind. Scars that act as painful reminders. 

I wondered when I would manage to get rid of these ghosts from the past? Maybe its time now to make a conscious effort to give up those negative thoughts. How long would it take? A million dollar question. Is it difficult? Yes but not impossible. 

All I need to do is to incorporate a few things. Spend some time on meditation everyday and dwell on positive thoughts. Thrive on what makes me happy-be it my workouts, reading, writing or catching up on a good movie.  I once did an exercise back in my psychology class where we had pinned papers on our backs. Others had to write one positive quality about you on that paper. It was interesting to see how others perceived you. We were asked to preserve that paper so that during times of negativity, we could read this and feel better about ourselves. I don't have that paper today. 

However what I do have is some positive testimonials from authors and from some members of the running community about my interviewing and sporting abilities. Some of my old friends  and acquaintances from College whom I had met recently  had nice things to say to me. I met/spoke to a few of them after many years. The beauty part is that we just caught up from where we left. I may have changed drastically from how I was during my College days. Thankfully some of them have been able to accept this change.

I have decided to thrive on positivity. The hardest step was to write this one. Now that its off my chest, I feel lighter. Light enough to embark on a journey of giving up those negative thoughts. Will I succeed? Only time will tell.